I thought we'd be better at this by now

[delladea]

This borderlines on relationship advice, but it involves money.

My husband and I moved in together before we got married, so I had a bill-sharing system that didn't require us to combine finances. Any mutual expenses (utilities, groceries, etc) were recorded on a spreadsheet, and at the end of the month the amount was tallied, split and whoever paid more of the bills got a check from the other to balance things out. It worked so well for us at the time we didn't bother changing this system after we got married.

Before building our house, we worked hard to pay off what debt we could. Prior to taking out the loan to buy our land, the only debt we had was a credit card paid off monthly and his student loans. Any extra went into savings.

Then we get our house built which is far far away from my job. We did decide to get a joint account for the sole purpose of paying bills, we still had our own separate accounts. I quit my full time job to try my hand at contract work, then I find out I'm expecting our first child. Since we both planned on me being a stay at home mom for at least the first few years, I didn't bother trying to find anything other than short term contracts. Most of my time was spent trying to get things in order around the house and with our finances.

How things work right now is:

1. Husband gets paid every 2 weeks, gets direct deposited into his personal checking.


2. Husband transfers X amount into joint account.


3. We pay everything out of the joint account except for auto/home insurance and oddball expenses which come out of his account.


4. End of month comes, and a mad scramble ensues to get everything paid, usually involving temporarily transferring money out of joint savings.


5. Next time husband gets paid, repay savings account + $20 penalty.


6. Repeat next month.

One upside is our savings account is slowly getting bigger, but that's not the way I want to do it!

Now that our daughter is here and almost three months old, our expenses have increased in some ways in decreased a bit in others. We've also started raising sheep and I have no idea what's been spent on that because it's all come out of his account. I have asked him and he's given me some receipts, but that is a household expense and it should be coming out of the household account. Basically he's starting to pay some household stuff with his personal account which gives me an inaccurate picture of where our money is going. I'm the person responsible for paying bills and tracking where our money is going, so I need to know about everything that gets spent.

I'm posting here because I really really feel we need to just combine everything and use the joint account. We've been together for over seven years and are pretty much stuck with each other now. Both of us have similar attitudes on money and have never had a problem getting important expenses paid.

The problem is going to be selling the idea to my husband. I have a feeling he may view it as a loss of control, when I really don't feel that is the case.

For those of you who have SO's and only use a joint account, how do you make it work? What rules do you have for each other (if any)? How do you handle personal expenses, like (for example) buying new jewelry?

Comments

[yvi]

Can't really contribute because we still have separate account and so a similar thing, but I'll be reading with interest. We are getting married next week and the more I think about it the more I think a joint account everything goes into and almost everything gets paid from and two small individual accounts would be a better way.

[delladea]

Congratulations!

This is how we currently do it in theory. It worked great for us when we were both working, but then we also had a lot more wiggle room financially.

[kyrielle]

I would hesitate to fully combine accounts because, if he is tending to run short, he might run the household account short and leave you without the money to pay things. Yes, you'd have an accurate picture, but it wouldn't be a good one....

What might be better if he'll agree to it is a set of 3 joint accounts - household, yours, and his - with both of you having access, but the personal ones being used only by the person whose account they are, for non-household expenses. Failing that, more into the joint household account and less into his, and a clear picture of what a "household" expense is, might help?

My husband and I have fully joint accounts, but we also have two incomes and a very mutual idea of how to spend and track. You're not starting from that scenario.

[delladea]

I never thought about 3 joint accounts - it's an interesting option.

Whether or not we change everything to one account, I'm working on a new household budget so (hopefully) we can eliminate this end of month bill payment scramble. "Household" expense gets a bit murky when talking about farm expenses.

[jamethiel]

I think you need a more accurate idea of who's spending what and on what. I actually think the idea of separate buckets/accounts is a good idea.

First of all, you have to be on the same page with this. I can't really help with getting your spouse to see the problem, but--hopefully you share some of the same values.

Project your household expenses and put that amount + an emergency factor of 10% in your household expense account. Do the same for your farm expenses into a different account. Put the rest into savings and if you can, have another account for everyday stuff.

That should enable you to separate out expenses more easily, and it also might stop the buying of some farm stuff if the balance is low. And hopefully it should stop you withdrawing from savings.

Good luck!

[red_trillium]

We're down to one income now so are re-learning our system along with budgeting. This is how we're set up, it's working still for now.

All my fortnightly pay goes into Joint Account (hers used to as well). I pay all the bills out of this account. Each pay day we have an automatic payment that sends $X to the savings and a small stipend for each of us into accounts we solely use for our own purchases (mine happens to be a joint account because we originally set it up that way and it was easier for me to just use it than set up yet another account just in my name).

If either of us spend something on ourselves out of the joint account or savings, we pay it back (ummm...I currently have a "tab" that I'm repaying back but I try to not do that; it was a trip expense for waterproof pants & am paying that and a few other things back).

Sometimes (especially right now as we're re-learning) we overspend in the joint account so I move funds over to cover it. I'm trying to get better at not doing this and keeping on the bills, but this is my biggest fault.

It mostly works fine for us. We each do have our fun money, we have a savings (sadly need to build this up) and all the household stuff comes out of the joint account. THere are grey areas. I love to garden so how much of that should come out of my $ and how much out of the joint account?? Especially if I'm growing food for us... But it's not a big deal, I try to balance it.

[xoxomarina]

Honestly, and this may sound rather harsh, but I'm not meaning it to sound this way... I feel the breadwinner (or whomever is making more money) should have more say or more control in the expenses. It's only fair.

I've found things work best with two separate individual accounts, and one joint account. And whomever is making more money pays the bills out of his or her account to make life easier and have it coming out of one spot so that there is no confusion. I've found that works best in my situation, but your mileage may vary.

As for rules, each person should be allowed to do what they want with the money they earned through their hard work, as long as there are no lies or secrets. Everything should be open, honest, and transparent. Communication is key.

[antisoppist]

We merged finances gradually, starting out with a joint account for the rent for practical reasons when we moved in together and now, with kids and a mortgage, most expenses come out of it. We have kept our individual accounts too. When we were both working, we transferred the same amount into the joint account but in the past ten years we've had me on maternity leave three times and him made redundant five times so at times one of us has been putting everything into the joint account. The joint account does help to make the person who isn't earning at that point feel that they don't have to ask for money for every expense. It also helps that we've both been the one in this position (at the moment I'm working full time and he's unemployed/doing kids, food shopping and cooking). If only one of us is earning, I transfer unaccountable fun money (even if it's only a tiny amount) into our individual accounts too for non-household spending.